I love my wife more than I love myself.
I'm sure plenty of spouses say that all of the time, and the vast majority of the time, they mean it.
However, I mean it wholeheartedly. I love my wife more than I love myself, and I know that because for a very long time, I loved anyone more than I loved myself.
It didn't matter if you were family, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger, I would do whatever I could to show you love.
Whether that was giving time, money, or food and drink, I would do it gladly, because I didn't love me, but you could love me if I worked hard enough, and through your approval I might find
Just a little for myself. The leftovers.
But as I think about the people that I met, I also am struck by the rejections that came with them, and each one sent me spiraling into a place devoid of hope, devoid of light.
Devoid of love.
I think I never really have gotten to a point where I can look in a mirror and say I love myself. I still struggle with the idea of accepting me for who I am on a daily basis.
But I have come to realize that I can never seek that love in others, because to seek it out takes so much work, so much effort, that quite often, I push the throttle beyond what is acceptable, and run the other party off.
I hate myself a lot.
But I stay busy so that I don't think about it. I try to stay one step ahead of my thoughts so that I cannot get the opportunity to knock myself down again. I have been put down by too many other people to allow me to be the final nail.
My salvation is in my family. I can look at them and know that they love me through my good times and my bad, and I am grateful for that, because when I have nothing left for myself, my family always gives me more.
But I don't want to take anymore. I want to fill myself.
But I don't know how.
I love my wife and kids more than anything. But I can't love myself.